Memories are powerful and sometimes make us happy but at the worst, they keep us stuck to the past. I will write about this person as a way of letting go and moving on. It was a usual and unusual love story at the same time. Maybe part of the reason was that there was no opening and closure. It was like a book with no introduction and ending. In a fairy tale, there wasn't any "once upon a time" and a "they lived happily ever after."
What's special about this guy is that he saw something in me that nobody ever did. What sucks about it was that, he was the only one who saw it (I don't what it is he saw in me also) but he didn't make any move to do something about it. He made me feel a lot of things at the same time: anger, pain, happiness, excitement, love and infatuation. He made me experience a roller coaster of emotions. He made me feel lonely and loved at the same time. Maybe part of the reason why I've been holding on to him for so long was the idea that sooner or later we would be together, that he would finally have to courage to do what he should've done before. I couldn't blame him though. That was his choice, he always left me hanging, which in turn made me more hopeful that something better will happen the next time. It wasn't an easy journey for me. But I know that I don't have any regrets. We didn't end up together but each and every thing he made me feel, made me who I am today, and I am thankful for him.
To you,
You know who you are. We started out as friends, teasing each other, until I realized that you were slowly becoming my crush.. Those simple and sneaking glances were always the source of my "kilig" and happiness. Just one text from you made my day already. Those cheesy stuff we did to each other, text messages, swimming, comedy bar group dates, lunch at the farm, those fruits you always gave me, I remember all of those. Those simple gestures you made, made me feel important and loved. You were the only one who did those for me.
I know at first you only treated me as a friend and I was fine with that, but what f*cked up this whole thing was when you started making me feel that you liked me too. We went on like this for about almost a decade, yes! Almost a decade! At first I thought it was only a product of my imagination, because of course, I was crushing on you so I would give meaning to every little thing you did.
I can still remember the first time you acted strange around me. October 2004, birthday of our common friend. I wasn't used to being liked by the person I liked so I didn't know how to act around you. We were always looking at each other but when we catch each other looking at one another, one would look away.. Haha that was the first time I felt that somehow, you liked me too. We were always like that, sneaking glances and looking at each other secretly.
With that, I can also remember my first heartbreak: when I learned that you were in a relationship. I realized then, oh maybe that was why he wasn't making a move, he was in a relationship. Nevertheless , that fact made me really sad and depressed.
With you, I didn't know where I stood because we didn't talk about that, one minute I'm very happy then the next, I would be crying. But still, the happy moments outweighed the sad ones, or maybe I'm just a masochist, I really wanted myself hurting haha
What I can remember the most are the drunk calls and texts. Whenever you're drinking with friends and you're already tipsy, you would always call me and talk to me about nonsense things. It made me feel important, I felt as if you would talk about anything just to hear my voice. You would talk about what you ate, what you are doing, what your friends are doing. But there was this one night when I finally got the courage to ask you what you really felt about me. And you said, that you have feelings for me, that you really like me, but. I knew there was a but! I already knew what followed but hearing it from him... It made me realize that we can never be. It was weird, I already knew what he felt for me, but because of circumstances, we could never be. Well, at least I know!
One more thing, actually, the most important thing that I would remember about you is "THE LOOK."
That way that you looked at me. It was as if you were memorizing the way I looked: looking at me as if it were the first time you looked at me, or it was as if you were looking at me for the last time. That look will be the one that I'd always look forward to.
Thank you, for everything. :)
The heartache, pain, sadness, tears and esp. the memories.. But along with those, I felt extreme happiness.
You made me feel special. Falling for you was like riding a roller coaster: there were a lot of ups and downs. :)
You made me feel that I can be loved for who I am, no matter what I looked like, no matter how I acted, you accepted and liked me as me.
With my infatuation/almost love for you, I've met most of the best friends that I am friends with until now, it wasn't a useless experience, we may not have ended up together but I gained a lot of friends. :)
I wish you happiness and love.
I'm saying goodbye and closing this chapter of our lives, for good.
No more turning back and what ifs.
Thank you, Mr MVP. :)
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