To my almost "the one"

This will probably be the first and last time I will write about him. I feel it would help me fully move on and get over him. Don't get me wrong. I've already moved on, meaning as time passed by, I've already forgotten about him. What only remains is the things that he made me feel. 

Memories are powerful and sometimes make us happy but at the worst, they keep us stuck to the past. I will write about this person as a way of letting go and moving on. It was a usual and unusual love story at the same time. Maybe part of the reason was that there was no opening and closure. It was like a book with no introduction and ending. In a fairy tale, there wasn't any "once upon a time" and a "they lived happily ever after." 

What's special about this guy is that he saw something in me that nobody ever did. What sucks about it was that, he was the only one who saw it (I don't what it is he saw in me also) but he didn't make any move to do something about it. He made me feel a lot of things at the same time: anger, pain, happiness, excitement, love and infatuation. He made me experience a roller coaster of emotions. He made me feel lonely and loved at the same time. Maybe part of the reason why I've been holding on to him for so long was the idea that sooner or later we would be together, that he would finally have to courage to do what he should've done before. I couldn't blame him though. That was his choice, he always left me hanging, which in turn made me more hopeful that something better will happen the next time. It wasn't an easy journey for me. But I know that I don't have any regrets. We didn't end up together but each and every thing he made me feel, made me who I am today, and I am thankful for him. 

To you, 

You know who you are. We started out as friends, teasing each other, until I realized that you were slowly becoming my crush.. Those simple and sneaking glances were always the source of my "kilig" and happiness. Just one text from you made my day already. Those cheesy stuff we did to each other, text messages, swimming, comedy bar group dates, lunch at the farm, those fruits you always gave me, I remember all of those. Those simple gestures you made, made me feel important and loved. You were the only one who did those for me. 

I know at first you only treated me as a friend and I was fine with that, but what f*cked up this whole thing was when you started making me feel that you liked me too. We went on like this for about almost a decade, yes! Almost a decade! At first I thought it was only a product of my imagination, because of course, I was crushing on you so I would give meaning to every little thing you did. 

I can still remember the first time you acted strange around me. October 2004, birthday of our common friend. I wasn't used to being liked by the person I liked so I didn't know how to act around you. We were always looking at each other but when we catch each other looking at one another, one would look away.. Haha that was the first time I felt that somehow, you liked me too. We were always like that, sneaking glances and looking at each other secretly. 

With that, I can also remember my first heartbreak: when I learned that you were in a relationship. I realized then, oh maybe that was why he wasn't making a move, he was in a relationship. Nevertheless , that fact made me really sad and depressed. 

With you, I didn't know where I stood because we didn't talk about that, one minute I'm very happy then the next, I would be crying. But still, the happy moments outweighed the sad ones, or maybe I'm just a masochist, I really wanted myself hurting haha

What I can remember the most are the drunk calls and texts. Whenever you're drinking with friends and you're already tipsy, you would always call me and talk to me about nonsense things. It made me feel important, I felt as if you would talk about anything just to hear my voice. You would talk about what you ate, what you are doing, what your friends are doing. But there was this one night when I finally got the courage to ask you what you really felt about me. And you said, that you have feelings for me, that you really like me, but. I knew there was a but! I already knew what followed but hearing it from him... It made me realize that we can never be. It was weird, I already knew what he felt for me, but because of circumstances, we could never be. Well, at least I know! 

One more thing, actually, the most important thing that I would remember about you is "THE LOOK." 

That way that you looked at me. It was as if you were memorizing the way I looked: looking at me as if it were the first time you looked at me, or it was as if you were looking at me for the last time. That look will be the one that I'd always look forward to. 

Thank you, for everything. :) 

The heartache, pain, sadness, tears and esp. the memories.. But along with those, I felt extreme happiness.

You made me feel special. Falling for you was like riding a roller coaster: there were a lot of ups and downs. :) 

You made me feel that I can be loved for who I am, no matter what I looked like, no matter how I acted, you accepted and liked me as me. 

With my infatuation/almost love for you, I've met most of the best friends that I am friends with until now, it wasn't a useless experience, we may not have ended up together but I gained a lot of friends. :)

I wish you happiness and love. 

I'm saying goodbye and closing this chapter of our lives, for good. 

No more turning back and what ifs. 

Thank you, Mr MVP. :)  

Contented yet still yearning....

Appreciation is the key to happiness.

I always say this to myself every time I feel that there's still something missing in my life.

If you know me well, then you are probably one of those people who say that I already have everything I want: that I'm well off, that I don't need to work anymore, etc etc. For one, I appreciate all that I have: I know my life is better than others and I'm always thankful for it. But sometimes, it just irritates me when I always hear those things. I know and I deeply appreciate each and every one of those things that I have. But not because I have material things and also the love of my family and loved ones, doesn't mean my life is perfect. 

I'm struggling with my quest/journey for healthy eating and I know I need to concentrate on that for I don't want to return to my old fat self. 

As for this part, I haven't told anyone but when I lost weight, I think some of the confidence I have came off with the weight I lost too. I wanna gain my confidence back! For some reason, when I lost weight, I felt like I became a normal person, I don't think there's something unique about me anymore. It's hard to explain but I really feel that way. My way of thinking now is that: when I reach my goal body and weight that's when I will become really confident. I know it's not right and I need to give myself a wake up call that i should love my body enough to change it and not base my self-worth on what other people think of me. Starting now, I shall be working on that. On myself. On loving myself and appreciating myself. :) 

Another is my continuous search for a loved one. A boyfriend/partner. I always ask myself why it's so hard for me to find that one person, who will love me for who I am, ask me out to watch a movie, have dinner, send me flowers, do crazy things with me. *sigh* I know he will come at the right time, but sometimes I can't help but think, what if he doesn't come? What if I'm destined to grow old alone? Truth is I'm really envy my friends and some couples I see. With them being sweet to one another, laughing together, etc. Loneliness and self pity is eating me up. I feel that I'm not attractive or likable enough. My friends and family say I'm easy to love and that I'm attractive but why is it that not even one guy can see that? Well, there was one but... Oh well, it wasn't meant to be. 

I've been used to always being the one who likes the guy first and him not returning the feeling. I know I sound like I'm craving for attention and love, but really, isn't that what we all crave for? I don't know what to think anymore... So whoever it is who's meant for me, please show up sooner. I'm kinda dense so maybe you should poke me or tell me that you're here already. :) 

With that being said, I'm still thankful for all the things I have, I appreciate each and every one little thing and affection that I have and receive. But we are all humans, no matter what or how much we have, there will always be something missing. :) 

My fitness journey!!!

My fitness story:

It all started November 2011. My father asked me to try a meal replacement shake wherein if you took it 3x a day along with only fruits and vegetables and moderate exercise 3x a week, you would lose up to 10lbs a week. I gave it a shot and lost 6lbs after a week. It wasn't easy because I didn't eat a lot of vegetables but maybe the challenge itself made me eat vegetables. I taught myself to eat them and after that week, I didn't know it but that was the start of my fitness journey. I continued it, incorporating a little meat on my diet and some bread, etc but I gave up on rice. After a month, I've lost a total of 20lbs. By the way I started this with my weight at 200lbs. After that, I hit a plateau because I started eating chocolates and sweets again but i still worked out. Then by August. I realized that I was gaining weight/fat again and started the all meal replacement shakes program again. Then, I came across fitfam on twitter and learned that right diet and exercise is the key. November of 2012 I enrolled in a gym and hired a personal trainer to train me and help me lose weight. I started training with a weight of 170lbs. I did Viper exercises, weight training and ate healthy, and lost another 20lbs. Then I slipped up on my diet and sometimes ate unhealthy (holidays, birthdays, outings were my weakness). Now my weight plays between 150-155lbs. My goal weight is 130 lbs. I know I shouldn't rely on the scale too much but I can't help it. I'm trying to change my mindset about that, by the way. :) my other goals are to have a toned stomach and just be healthy and get used to making healthy eating choices. :) 

Priorities 2014!

I need to set my priorities straight this 2014!!! The following will consist of my priorities/ things to accomplish this year according to importance! :) 

1.) fitness/health

 - I need to lose more weight! I feel like I'm getting fatter and getting off track with my diet. I need to reiterate to myself that being fit and healthy isn't a temporary mission. That it's a lifestyle change! I can enjoy eating "cheat" foods but only in minimal amounts so that they wouldn't be a hindrance to my fitness journey. I can do with the workouts but I'm having a hard time with the eating part. I need to discipline myself to eat only healthy goods and for now, count the food that I eat. :) maybe I should be strict with myself again while restarting my fitness journey so I could condition myself, my mind and body to healthy eating! 

2.) confidence/personality 

- I know I'm pretty confident with myself (the way that I look and how I present myself to others) but when it comes to men and sometimes other people, it zooms down to zero! I don't know why but I always have that inferior feeling when it comes to dealing with men I like, I feel like I don't measure up to their set standards. Honestly, I feel like there's nothing special about me that would make me attractive/likable to men. I need to be more confident with myself! Believe in my positive attributes and shao them to the world. If I have to fake that confidence maybe I should and it would probably be true in time. 

3.) family and friends

- I'm the kind of person who values relationships rather than material things although I may not look like it. I love receiving gifts, yes, but they need not be expensive. What's more important is the thought and memories behind it. My family and friends make my life a colorful and meaningful one. I would fight tooth and nail for them and I would back them up I'm a fight, be there through the good and bad times. Mess with them and you mess with me too. 

4.) career opportunities

- I love my job now but I know that there's something out there that would hold my interest more. It would also be stressful but I would enjoy each and every minute of it because I know that's what I want to do and I wouldn't treat it as a job because it's my passion. :) 

5.) love

- I put this last because I don't know where to put it and when because I've been single since birth. Maybe when I have this, it would move way up in my priorities list. But right now, while it's not here yet, it would be at the last, because I believe that one shouldn't look for love, it will come at the right circumstance and moment, and everything will fall right into place. :) 

I'll try to make an extensive entry for each of my priorities so that I could etch it in my mind and be able to focus in them :) 

Sun, sand, sea and adventures!!!

Summer came early for me this year! Not that I'm complaining... ☺️☺️ My first outing of the year is in Boracay!! The sun, sand and sea are a very good combination for good vibes and to relieve stress. 

This was a very exciting trip for me because first, it's my first time to be able to wear a bikini! Yes!! Because I've lost a considerable amount of fat since I first went there last 2012. Then, I experienced a lot of firsts there: zorb ride, parasailing, island hopping, sunbathing, food trip and 3 nights of partying and chilling by the beach! Everyday was a new experience: we all got to try new things and learned many things about each other. 

Another thing that made it more memorable for me is that the people I spent it with. I bonded with them: endless stories, drama and laughter.

 

This trip is surely a memorable trip for me. Love spending happy moments and experiencing new things with them! Till next time Boracay! 😚😚❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️