The Never Ending Quest

 This topic has crossed my mind probably a thousand times already. I've always wanted to put it into writing but I always did otherwise because I think that it would make me look pathetic, self-centered or just plain ranting. But now I'm ready to write about it. Ask the million dollar question and try to understand how, why, when, where or what. 

Why am I still single? 

A few years back, I have a ready answer for this. I'm single because I'm fat. I mean, who would give a 200-lb girl a second look or the time of the day? My relatives and some friends would say, "Not all guys are like that. There will be a guy who would like you for who you are, not what you look like." In my mind, I say "yeah,right" as if that would happen anyway. Well, it kinda did but the guy didn't have enough balls to push through with it, and his reason was, he said he wasn't enough for me, there was this "you're rich, I'm not" mentality that apparently stopped him from pursuing me. Looking back, but guess he just really wasn't that into me. I guess whatever he felt just wasn't enough for him to fight for "us." Nevertheless, I'd still like to thank him for making me feel loved somehow, that no matter how I look or what my weight is, there would still be somebody who would like me. :) 

I have always thought that this guy was the one stopping me from trying to believe in love again, that he was the only person who would like me that's why I stayed attached to him or my memory of him liking me for years,. I've been clinging on to the memories for years, it was only a few years back when I finally got over him. 

The quest for love (or boyfriend) never really ended. Like what most people would say when asked what their ideal man is, I would say someone tall and handsome, preferably a basketball player. Haha Whenever I saw someone tall and with good posture, they would easily catch my attention. I know I'm not the kind of girl that would catch the attention of these people so I would just admire them from afar. I'm actually kind of shy around these types of people. 

The game changed back in 2012. There was this one incident that happened that made me feel good, no awesome. It might not be a big deal for most of you, but to me that incident made me believe that I have equal opportunity to attract men with good looks, or to attract men. Period. This might seem shallow to some of you readers but that helped in boosting my confidence as a woman. Going back to my story, I was going out with some friends. We went to the then hottest club in the city, to have fun, a few drinks and maybe see some cute guys. I had lost a bit of weight then but I was still on the chubby side and I was still a bit insecure but I was proud of what I achieved. I'm generally a confident person but for some reason I become insecure around guys, I guess it was from the bullying I experienced before. So, we were at the club and my friend pointed a cute guy at me, he was at the VIP section upstairs while we were downstairs, dancing and drinking. My friend told me that he was a professional football player but wasn't sure about his name. So, I kept on checking him out (meaning I was looking at him from time to time because he was really cute even in the dark!) but at the same time dancing and drinking with my friends. I was happy and contented by just looking at him. He already made my night. Then the unthinkable happened. I was dancing and laughing with my friends when suddenly my cousin tapped me on the shoulders and pointed above us. I looked up and, lo and behold, cute football player was looking at me and smiling! That was the most kilig moment of my life! I smiled back at him and then he smiled back at me. My cousins and friends kept on telling me "he smiled at you!" And I was "I know!" Haha I was new to that kind of interaction so I didn't know how to react. A few seconds after that, my cousin told me, "he's still looking at you!" And I was like "are you sure it's me?" Because my other friends were really hot haha and he said "yes!" I looked up and he raised his beer bottle at me while smiling that super cute smile! I couldn't believe it! Someone is flirting with me apparently! When he went down to go home, I went near to him and had my picture taken with him, I think that's the part that I failed. :( I didn't get his name. I learned that he wasn't a football player but he played another sport instead, and in the span of 2 years he already had a family. That was a bummer, the what ifs were always on my mind. But I would never forget him, because he made me feel confident about myself. :) Maybe we just weren't meant to be. 

After that, I met someone at a club again, made out with him and he even got my number. I thought it was going to be the start of something new but then in the end he was just a douchebag. He didn't really like me, he just wanted to have sex, I guess I was just to gullible to ever believe that people you meet in clubs would really like you and get to know you and pursue you. 

And then, I got introduced in the world of tinder. It was overwhelming to see guys swiping or pressing the heart button when they see your picture. And with the matches that you make, you'd feel like you are very pretty and guys would really like to know you. It took me a while to get the hang of it but I learned how to deal with perverts, the ones who are eager to be in a relationship, and of course the ones who will eventually become your friends. I wouldn't go into details but really, tinder is just like an online club/bar. You meet people, flirt with them and then they ask you for a meetup and some even ask for straight up sex. There was one there though that caught my attention. At first he wanted to have sex but I told him I don't like to, that I liked to get to know him and he agreed. So we kept on messaging each other and then even met up a few times, I'm not sure but I think we were on the track to being boyfriend and girlfriend. As a girl, I've had a gut feel that something isn't right. Well there were signs, like he didn't have Facebookand it's better if we chatted In a chat app instead of texting, but I ignored those because I trusted him. And then I discovered his Facebook account ( I didn't search for it, I just came upon it) and learned that he was playing me all along. Long story short, I'm not communicating with him anymore.

 After that incident, combined with those the failed tinder dates ( either they stopped texting me or there was just no chemistry/spark, failed blind dates setup by my aunts ( really, who would want to date pompous asses and disrespectful people) and some other dates and attempts that only lasted for one date/meetup, you couldn't blame me if I asked the questions, "Is there nobody who would love me for me? Accept me for who I am? Am I really that hard to love? What is wrong with me? Am I destined to grow old alone? What if I grow old alone? What if I don't find "the one?" Is there something wrong with me?" After each of those failed experiences, I always tell myself "I'm not sure I can do this love thing anymore." You invest your time, effort and attention and in the end you just get hurt, or you're given a false sense of hope. I'm not blaming these people. I'm also partly to blame but, you get what I mean and where I'm coming from. It sounds like I'm craving or shouting for attention but that's how I really feel.

Most people would say that "you're beautiful, the right man will come, be patient, etc." I know that, and I'm patient but sometimes you just can't help but breakdown and ask all those questions in my head. You see couples all around you, happy and content, while you, are alone. Don't get me wrong, being single is good, I get to travel and enjoy a lot of stuff, but sometimes, all you need is a hug, a kiss or just somebody you can tell your troubles to, a guy who will make you feel special, give you undivided attention, also someone you can depend on, someone you can cheer for when he is playing his favorite sport, encourage when he is having a hard time with work or whatever it is, somene who you can love and will love you with all his heart. :) sounds easy right? But why is it so hard? Are my standards really that high? All I really want is someone who has proper hygiene, responsible, whom I can talk to for hours and never get bored and someone who could make me laugh.

For the longest time, I've been looking for the right person with the characteristics I've said, but not too long ago, I came across this question: are you the right woman? This made me think. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Am I too talkative? Do I look and seem to eager? Am I too easy? Did I play the hard-to-get card too much? Sometimes at night when I get too emotional, I overthink this things and just cry. Cry myself to sleep. It sounds cliche and pathetic but it helps, it helps to release the frustrations I feel. I might not have the answers after I cry but I feel good after I do it. And in the morning I put on my brave face and smile again. 

After the things I've experiences in my quest for the so-called love, I ask myself, do I find love or just wait for it? Honestly I don't know the answer. Right now, I think I should rest in finding love first, improve myself, make myself a better person. Maybe now is not the right time. But this is me talking now, tomorrow or later I might have another answer.  One thing I know is for sure. No matter what I say or do, I would always believe in love. I try to be strong and not fall but most of the time, I always do. I always think the best of everyone. I would always believe that there is someone out there for me who will love me for who I am, with all my flaws and good traits. The hopeless romantic in me will still emerge as the winner. I'm f*cked up like that. 

How I Came to Love the Aces

I can still remember the first day I watched their game live. It was against Ginebra, Dec 2, 2014. I rushed home from work to change clothes and then went to MOA Arena. I was so excited because I will be seeing my crush play for the first time. Yep, I only knew one player from their team, Chris Banchero. Well, there was Abueva but I only heard of him. I didn't even know he was playing for the Alaska Aces. :p I only knew he was playing for the Aces when I already watched the game. And then there's Jvee Casio, whom I knew because he was playing in the UAAP before. 

So, the game starts. The only thing I knew about basketball was that the team with the highest points at the end of 4 quarters wins. I cheered and shouted when they got baskets and booed when the other team scored. I was a player fan, yes. And I cheered for the Aces because, well, Chris Banchero. haha I always asked my friend then, "Bakit foul?", "Sino naka-shoot?" and more. I couldn't even distinguish Ping Exciminiano from Calvin Abueva. haha I just cheered for whoever on their team made baskets. If you're a fan of Filipino basketball, you would know how Ginebra fans are. They were booing Abueva as I was cheering for him, though I had no idea why they were booing him. That was how unknowledgeable I was about basketball. Long story short, and sadly, they lost that day. My friends were joking and telling me that I was "MALASKA", that I was the jinx for the team. Nevertheless, I still rooted for them. It really wasn't hard that time because they made their way into the semis, and eventually the finals.

After that, I always watched their games, whether live or on TV. I would cheer my heart out wherever I was, whether at home or at the venue. I started knowing the players' names and what they did, but still I didn't fully understand basketball. I watched them win and lose games, live or on TV. I admit I only watch basketball to look at the cute players but as the season went by, somewhere in between cheering for Chris Banchero and booing when their opponent shot free throws, this team has captured me. 

I fell for them: hook, line and sinker. There was something about this team that made me want to root for them. Maybe one reason was that because they were an independent team in the PBA. I didn't know what it was before but I felt that they were different from other teams. I knew they were doing something that other teams didn't do, i just didn't know what it was. Then i came across #WeNotMe. It was that unselfish way they all played. Even though Abueva was the most famous of all of them, you could see when he played that he didn't hog the ball. There was no "superstar" in their team. They played basketball exactly the way it was meant to be played - as a team. I didn't say that the other teams didn't have teamwork, but with the Aces, their teamwork was very evident with their unselfish plays. (**FYI: I'm no expert and all of this are based on observations and some articles I read about the team.) 

Seeing how great they are as a team, it was a heartbreak to see them lose to the San Miguel Beermen in the AFC last year and esp. the Governor's Cup, because SMB won 4 straight games in the finals. It made me wonder, how? Why? I know they did their best but I kept on asking why they didn't win even a single game in that finals series. But then, who was I to ask, right? Besides, it was done. There was no point in blaming whoever for not shooting the ball. There was nothing they could to anymore. 

Personally, I think that those tough losses made them work harder for this present season. They were top seed for this elimination round, which automatically qualified them for the semis. I knew they improved as a team but I couldn't pinpoint where. haha By reading articles on them, and observing the way they played, i think they all improved on their own and incorporated it into the team. They became more aggressive and you could see the hunger and how bad they wanted to win this. Proof of that is when they won those 4 games in the semis, different men stood put as Best Player of the Game. 

This team never fails to amaze me. That is what I love about them, their love of the game. As of this writing, they have already won 2 games against SMB in the AFC. Those 2 wins were not easy, i felt and saw them work hard for each of the shots, commit turnovers, do comebacks and stretch a minute of game time to 10 minutes real time to protect their lead and win. They need to win 2 more but I'm sure they know it wouldn't be easy. Their opponent, SMB is looking for back to back championships in the AFC and they, the Alaska Aces, are looking for redemption from their last 2 losses from the same team, and also their 15th championship. I would like for nothing more than for them to win this 15th championship. I know they deserve it and have been clamoring for it. Know that I'll be cheering for all of you through all of this! Go Alaska Aces!!

If you asked me a year ago who my favourite Alaska Aces player is, I could answer you in a snap. But now, I wouldn't be able to give you a direct answer because that's how the whole team works, not just the players but also the coaches, you fall in love with them as a team, with their unselfish plays and strong offense and almost perfect defense. Their #WeNotMe mantra is working perfectly for them and I wouldn't have it any other way. :) 

THIS kind of heartbreak 💔

Just like there are many kinds of love in this world, there are also many kinds of heartbreak you will experience. I'm sure everyone has already experienced this kind of heartbreak.

It's the heartbreak of friendship, not because you stopped being friends with people, not also because the friendship isn't the same as it was before, but because you get so used to the routine of being with each other everyday, doing the same stuff at the same time, and then suddenly, the routine stops. One says goodbye, because it is needed. The bond is still there, the friendship, but you don't get to see them everyday. You will always tell yourself that social media is there to be connected with them with just one click but no matter how much you convince yourself, it's STILL NOT THE SAME. How do you do those hand gestures/signals on Viber chat? Or those raising of eyebrows, tap under the table, hearty laughs shared over simple things while having lunch? One would adjust in time, but surely those little things that happen every single day would be missed. There will be outings, night outs wherein you would see each other, but it will never be the same. It's hard but these things happen and we all should adapt to it. In the end, what's more important is that no matter the distance or time you get to see each other, or if you make new friends, the friendship would still remain. The bond is still there and will never be broken. 😉

Hello 2016: Year of Bravery and Adventure

2016 is a year of mixed feelings for me.

It signals the end of something for me.

It is a start of something new, moving forward to something nobody, even I, don't know.

And, of course, a year of goals, some I've had before but most of it are new!

Final Chapter

     January 4 marks my last day at work. I know it wouldn't be easy saying goodbye to the people I've worked with for the past 6 years. Suy Sing is really a company that treated me well, made me feel like I'm part of a family. It is where I made a lot of friends, became a better person, and honed my talents. The friendships I made there are priceless and even though I won't be able to see them everyday anymore, the friendship will always be there. 

Moving forward: about bravery and adventure

     This is the first time in 6 years that I'm starting a year unemployed. It's scary but I also think it's exciting. I'm excited for what 2016 has in store for me.There are a lot of things going on my mind about what my next step would be and also people and friends are telling me and asking me what I should do but there's only one thing I am sure of. Whatever my next step would be, I would venture into it whole-heartedly. I'm turning 29 on my birthday and I promised myself that this year I'm going to do all the things I want to do and try everything without reservations. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to live a life of what ifs. I've written in paper my goals this year and I'll also put them here for everyone to see :) 

• Do everything at least once - As I said, I wanna try everything without reservations. I want to try a lot of stuff like zip lining, skydiving, scuba diving, etc. 
• Never be shy and scared, and be courageous - these stuff always hinders me from doing things I want to do and I am also a worrier. That's one of the things I would work on this year. Good thing I have friends who always cheer on me to do extreme stuff, or to just approach a cute guy. haha 
• Make the most out of every moment - This isn't really that hard for me but I still put it there to remind me to be thankful and appreciate every moment I have with friends, family and loved ones. 
• Enjoy being single, but don't embrace it too much! - This has been an annual problem for me: being single. I have always been looking to be in a relationship, wondering why I am still single at my age. Sometimes it even makes me think that there's something wrong with me or I just don't really know how to deal with guys. I don't know what happened or what the turning point is, but suddenly, last year, I've learned to enjoy being single: I get to do whatever stuff I want to without somebody telling me not to do it, and I can enjoy dating other people. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be in a relationship, but with the right person. So, I've decided to not always fret about it and just enjoy being single. When the right person comes, I"m sure I'll know. :)
• Try a lot of new things - I would like to try something new at least once a week: may it be a new restaurant or new hobby. Among the top things on my list are: enroll in a makeup school, enroll in a driving school and have my own healthy food delivery service. :)
• Reach my goal weight and maintain it - Aside from my love life, this is also one annual goal that is elusive, or maybe I just love food too much. haha This year it's gonna change. I'm gonna reach my goal weight and maintain it! and next year my goal would just be "to maintain my weight". :) I've only been doing weights and cardio exercises. I'm thinking of trying boxing, yoga, pilates, zumba, anything that would make me lose weight and at the same time I should also enjoy doing it! One thing I need to do is to lessen my intake of food, esp sweets. I'm not the type of person who would be contented with just a small piece of chocolate or candy, it's all or nothing with me. haha So I need to watch my intake of food, and workout at leat 4 times a week. I've done it before, I know I can do it again! :) 

This sums up how I feel and my goals for 2016! I know they are easier said than done, but I'll strive hard and read this post every now and then to remind me of my goals and to check if I am going the right way to reaching those goals. :) 

Cheers to you all! :)