This topic has crossed my mind probably a thousand times already. I've always wanted to put it into writing but I always did otherwise because I think that it would make me look pathetic, self-centered or just plain ranting. But now I'm ready to write about it. Ask the million dollar question and try to understand how, why, when, where or what.
Why am I still single?
A few years back, I have a ready answer for this. I'm single because I'm fat. I mean, who would give a 200-lb girl a second look or the time of the day? My relatives and some friends would say, "Not all guys are like that. There will be a guy who would like you for who you are, not what you look like." In my mind, I say "yeah,right" as if that would happen anyway. Well, it kinda did but the guy didn't have enough balls to push through with it, and his reason was, he said he wasn't enough for me, there was this "you're rich, I'm not" mentality that apparently stopped him from pursuing me. Looking back, but guess he just really wasn't that into me. I guess whatever he felt just wasn't enough for him to fight for "us." Nevertheless, I'd still like to thank him for making me feel loved somehow, that no matter how I look or what my weight is, there would still be somebody who would like me. :)
I have always thought that this guy was the one stopping me from trying to believe in love again, that he was the only person who would like me that's why I stayed attached to him or my memory of him liking me for years,. I've been clinging on to the memories for years, it was only a few years back when I finally got over him.
The quest for love (or boyfriend) never really ended. Like what most people would say when asked what their ideal man is, I would say someone tall and handsome, preferably a basketball player. Haha Whenever I saw someone tall and with good posture, they would easily catch my attention. I know I'm not the kind of girl that would catch the attention of these people so I would just admire them from afar. I'm actually kind of shy around these types of people.
The game changed back in 2012. There was this one incident that happened that made me feel good, no awesome. It might not be a big deal for most of you, but to me that incident made me believe that I have equal opportunity to attract men with good looks, or to attract men. Period. This might seem shallow to some of you readers but that helped in boosting my confidence as a woman. Going back to my story, I was going out with some friends. We went to the then hottest club in the city, to have fun, a few drinks and maybe see some cute guys. I had lost a bit of weight then but I was still on the chubby side and I was still a bit insecure but I was proud of what I achieved. I'm generally a confident person but for some reason I become insecure around guys, I guess it was from the bullying I experienced before. So, we were at the club and my friend pointed a cute guy at me, he was at the VIP section upstairs while we were downstairs, dancing and drinking. My friend told me that he was a professional football player but wasn't sure about his name. So, I kept on checking him out (meaning I was looking at him from time to time because he was really cute even in the dark!) but at the same time dancing and drinking with my friends. I was happy and contented by just looking at him. He already made my night. Then the unthinkable happened. I was dancing and laughing with my friends when suddenly my cousin tapped me on the shoulders and pointed above us. I looked up and, lo and behold, cute football player was looking at me and smiling! That was the most kilig moment of my life! I smiled back at him and then he smiled back at me. My cousins and friends kept on telling me "he smiled at you!" And I was "I know!" Haha I was new to that kind of interaction so I didn't know how to react. A few seconds after that, my cousin told me, "he's still looking at you!" And I was like "are you sure it's me?" Because my other friends were really hot haha and he said "yes!" I looked up and he raised his beer bottle at me while smiling that super cute smile! I couldn't believe it! Someone is flirting with me apparently! When he went down to go home, I went near to him and had my picture taken with him, I think that's the part that I failed. :( I didn't get his name. I learned that he wasn't a football player but he played another sport instead, and in the span of 2 years he already had a family. That was a bummer, the what ifs were always on my mind. But I would never forget him, because he made me feel confident about myself. :) Maybe we just weren't meant to be.
After that, I met someone at a club again, made out with him and he even got my number. I thought it was going to be the start of something new but then in the end he was just a douchebag. He didn't really like me, he just wanted to have sex, I guess I was just to gullible to ever believe that people you meet in clubs would really like you and get to know you and pursue you.
And then, I got introduced in the world of tinder. It was overwhelming to see guys swiping or pressing the heart button when they see your picture. And with the matches that you make, you'd feel like you are very pretty and guys would really like to know you. It took me a while to get the hang of it but I learned how to deal with perverts, the ones who are eager to be in a relationship, and of course the ones who will eventually become your friends. I wouldn't go into details but really, tinder is just like an online club/bar. You meet people, flirt with them and then they ask you for a meetup and some even ask for straight up sex. There was one there though that caught my attention. At first he wanted to have sex but I told him I don't like to, that I liked to get to know him and he agreed. So we kept on messaging each other and then even met up a few times, I'm not sure but I think we were on the track to being boyfriend and girlfriend. As a girl, I've had a gut feel that something isn't right. Well there were signs, like he didn't have Facebookand it's better if we chatted In a chat app instead of texting, but I ignored those because I trusted him. And then I discovered his Facebook account ( I didn't search for it, I just came upon it) and learned that he was playing me all along. Long story short, I'm not communicating with him anymore.
After that incident, combined with those the failed tinder dates ( either they stopped texting me or there was just no chemistry/spark, failed blind dates setup by my aunts ( really, who would want to date pompous asses and disrespectful people) and some other dates and attempts that only lasted for one date/meetup, you couldn't blame me if I asked the questions, "Is there nobody who would love me for me? Accept me for who I am? Am I really that hard to love? What is wrong with me? Am I destined to grow old alone? What if I grow old alone? What if I don't find "the one?" Is there something wrong with me?" After each of those failed experiences, I always tell myself "I'm not sure I can do this love thing anymore." You invest your time, effort and attention and in the end you just get hurt, or you're given a false sense of hope. I'm not blaming these people. I'm also partly to blame but, you get what I mean and where I'm coming from. It sounds like I'm craving or shouting for attention but that's how I really feel.
Most people would say that "you're beautiful, the right man will come, be patient, etc." I know that, and I'm patient but sometimes you just can't help but breakdown and ask all those questions in my head. You see couples all around you, happy and content, while you, are alone. Don't get me wrong, being single is good, I get to travel and enjoy a lot of stuff, but sometimes, all you need is a hug, a kiss or just somebody you can tell your troubles to, a guy who will make you feel special, give you undivided attention, also someone you can depend on, someone you can cheer for when he is playing his favorite sport, encourage when he is having a hard time with work or whatever it is, somene who you can love and will love you with all his heart. :) sounds easy right? But why is it so hard? Are my standards really that high? All I really want is someone who has proper hygiene, responsible, whom I can talk to for hours and never get bored and someone who could make me laugh.
For the longest time, I've been looking for the right person with the characteristics I've said, but not too long ago, I came across this question: are you the right woman? This made me think. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Am I too talkative? Do I look and seem to eager? Am I too easy? Did I play the hard-to-get card too much? Sometimes at night when I get too emotional, I overthink this things and just cry. Cry myself to sleep. It sounds cliche and pathetic but it helps, it helps to release the frustrations I feel. I might not have the answers after I cry but I feel good after I do it. And in the morning I put on my brave face and smile again.
After the things I've experiences in my quest for the so-called love, I ask myself, do I find love or just wait for it? Honestly I don't know the answer. Right now, I think I should rest in finding love first, improve myself, make myself a better person. Maybe now is not the right time. But this is me talking now, tomorrow or later I might have another answer. One thing I know is for sure. No matter what I say or do, I would always believe in love. I try to be strong and not fall but most of the time, I always do. I always think the best of everyone. I would always believe that there is someone out there for me who will love me for who I am, with all my flaws and good traits. The hopeless romantic in me will still emerge as the winner. I'm f*cked up like that.
